love or is it?

I never knew I felt so strongly about a person .I never knew I had it in me to fall head over heels in love with someone.Hes told me when I was never prepared and whenever he asked me to love him I was always confused....I am confused!I guess I always will be.He faded away and I met another and I thought "this is it, this is love!" I never once questioned, why when ever I was in pain trouble, danger, happiness, celebration ,things of extreme emotion I always felt alone and suddenly his damn face would come back to me for no reason (lets name him Sam)
Like when a strong wind sweeps away the leaves only to show you bare ground damp,and soft,A hurting fell over me every time i felt deep about some silly human thing and the leaves would peel one by one and fly away only to leave me with myself (to goof in the mirror) face to face with rejection and a block of not being able to share this feeling with another.And along with him the hurt was like a extended piece like an ants abdomen .
He said one day "if you love me you will come today" I came and stood beside Sam.Mother would not agree to my behavior,my sister thought he was a creep.I was proud of Sam,I didnt care what they thought .Then one mad mad day, when every sign, pointer, indicator and every thing that had a pointing edge told me not to tell him I repeated the three words again (these word make a knot everytime I say them) .And they made an even bigger knot because I figured out this time my wild ,traveling ,wilderness life style will never match his office cabinet life. My family (a pack of through breds) thats what they thought of themselves! never approved of Sam .I knew they would never understand me,or him or both of us.Was this one of the reasons he always said "no" when I asked him to love me and I always said "no" when he asked me?
"you use the word 'love' very often ,you dont know what love is" he said In reply to my three words .I ended up again waking up to the cool tiled floor of my bathroom it comforted my hot face(different people feel different things comforting.
After a long time I got a message "you deserve better"he said.Dosent he get it? there can be a billion men better than him but 'love' is a very specific word .it specifies only one man and compares with none.I felt hot over my face I didnt know what to say .I didnt reply for very long.Maybe he wanted to get rid of me.I was bad taste in his mouth "you deserve better" maybe he knew I would say this,it was a polished way of saying 'We should move on'.
"And you decided to reply NOW???" said sam after I really couldnt find another reply. hope he was not nieve enough to think that I wouldnt reply to a message just because I was busy!(even the president of india would repy).I needed the time, I needed the question to work out its own solution at the back of my mind.I did not find one .I told him what he wanted to hear. Inside me an acid feeling wanted to scream "I love you" but it was madness.
"there are so many boys in your college" he said .They never came to my mind when I was alone.I like to keep college friendly the mushy thing in college never stayed in my mind.I did not feel comfortable thinking of it either
"its been so long how come your still hanging on...." I dont know I had no reason .I had no defence to that legal art of reasoning.
"you do not know how evil I am and how scheming I can get" did he think I was that dumb? I knew him ,I loved him not liked him.
"move on....forget me....Consider me dead...".how was I to do that !!! how the hell was I going to forget the man who ended up for no reason at all in my mind when I was whooping for joy? how ? my face felt hot .

My room is small and has no windows. I stared I felt drained I held my phone still conected to the charger .I couldnt sleep the whole of yesterday night .why? why? cant he just love me for tonight I dont need any promise .I dont need any future I do not need to be with him.I felt cheap I had nearly begged ! .How do you forget?